Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Grieving Veils

These are the moments that I wish I had magic for Makio. He misses his daddy so much; he wants to hug him and his only comfort is holding his urn. The feelings are more intense when he has special events coming up and he wants to tell Marco, but he knows he can't. It breaks my heart to see him in such despair, but I tell him that his daddy is always watching him and he would be so proud of the little man he is growing up to be.
I usually let him cry it all out and then I ask him what would your daddy tell you right now. He answers "why you crying? Huh?" as Marco would probably tease him a little.."your a big boy, hold your head up and stop crying." This brings a smile and laughter which makes us all feel a little better.
 DLP and I bought him a book with daddy quotes and I told him to write letters in the book to Marco, telling him of the events coming up, so by the time the event day came he would feel as if his daddy knew what was going on and it would be easier for Makio to deal with. It seems to work, he seems just a little more at ease with this method.
DLP jumped right into school and a shit load of school work which keeps her mind occupied for the most part. She, on the other hand, has dreams that make her question if she is silently depressed because she holds back a lot of her feelings. DLP always claims to be okay, but I tell her it's a matter of time before she too has a meltdown.
I try my best to hold myself up, but there are times that holding up the fort gets to me and I use the beach as my place to cry, yell and curse everything insight. I let it all out then. I can see Marco looking at me and saying "what the fuck was that?" with his you gone crazy woman look.
Driving DLP to Santa Cruz is a good calm drive sometimes. Coming back to HMB by myself just lets my mind run wild. It doesn't take much to see the ocean and imagine how Marco would enjoy all the beauty here.
  We all deal with his passing in a different ways, but we all agree on one thing; we feel he is still around us. We all feel like he just left on a long fishing trip, like he left to get something at the store and its taking a long time to come back or he just didn't want to come to HMB with us and he is in Hesperia waiting for us to return. 
 I find it interesting that between us three we have similar and different ways of grieving. If any of you readers feel like expressing anything about how you are coping, anything about Marco, perhaps a story, etc feel free to leave a post. This blog is for all of us to help each other heal and continue to live with Marco in our thoughts. We look forward to seeing what you have to say.

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