Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Grieving Veils

These are the moments that I wish I had magic for Makio. He misses his daddy so much; he wants to hug him and his only comfort is holding his urn. The feelings are more intense when he has special events coming up and he wants to tell Marco, but he knows he can't. It breaks my heart to see him in such despair, but I tell him that his daddy is always watching him and he would be so proud of the little man he is growing up to be.
I usually let him cry it all out and then I ask him what would your daddy tell you right now. He answers "why you crying? Huh?" as Marco would probably tease him a little.."your a big boy, hold your head up and stop crying." This brings a smile and laughter which makes us all feel a little better.
 DLP and I bought him a book with daddy quotes and I told him to write letters in the book to Marco, telling him of the events coming up, so by the time the event day came he would feel as if his daddy knew what was going on and it would be easier for Makio to deal with. It seems to work, he seems just a little more at ease with this method.
DLP jumped right into school and a shit load of school work which keeps her mind occupied for the most part. She, on the other hand, has dreams that make her question if she is silently depressed because she holds back a lot of her feelings. DLP always claims to be okay, but I tell her it's a matter of time before she too has a meltdown.
I try my best to hold myself up, but there are times that holding up the fort gets to me and I use the beach as my place to cry, yell and curse everything insight. I let it all out then. I can see Marco looking at me and saying "what the fuck was that?" with his you gone crazy woman look.
Driving DLP to Santa Cruz is a good calm drive sometimes. Coming back to HMB by myself just lets my mind run wild. It doesn't take much to see the ocean and imagine how Marco would enjoy all the beauty here.
  We all deal with his passing in a different ways, but we all agree on one thing; we feel he is still around us. We all feel like he just left on a long fishing trip, like he left to get something at the store and its taking a long time to come back or he just didn't want to come to HMB with us and he is in Hesperia waiting for us to return. 
 I find it interesting that between us three we have similar and different ways of grieving. If any of you readers feel like expressing anything about how you are coping, anything about Marco, perhaps a story, etc feel free to leave a post. This blog is for all of us to help each other heal and continue to live with Marco in our thoughts. We look forward to seeing what you have to say.

Monday, March 11, 2013

A New Kind Of fight


Since Marco passed away, as a lot of you know, a lot has changed. We moved up north closer to the beach with Surviving3under5. Makio has started a new school and joined a local mariachi group with the company of his cousins. DLP is now a college freshman at UCSC, which is great because we are close. I have to say it brings some peace and comfort being so close to the ocean. I feel close to Marco here maybe because he loved the ocean so much. I have a place to cry and yell to the top of my lungs and the crashing waves blur out all the craziness. Driving DLP to Santa Cruz also helps me relieve a lot of emotions as I drive down the coast as well.

DLP is about an hour away and doing well. Adjusting has been a little harder to deal with at school, but we are so proud of her for sticking it out (quitting was no option for her).
Makio is doing a little better in dealing with his emotions, especially in school. He holds Marco's wedding ring around his neck all the time and it helps he says. He loves his new school and is making lots of friends.

   Moving 6 months after Marco passed away was hard on all of us; it was tough leaving Salt-N-Pepper and all the family. But looking back now, it was the best thing for us all. Considering the changes in our lives, HMB proved to be the best medicine to help us cope. The kids and myself have kept ourselves busy with the Survining3under5 clan and enjoyed the change of scenery; especially since everywhere we go around here we are happily reminded of Marco.

 I have been keeping very busy with Surviving3under5. We joined the school site counsel and parent- teacher organization. We also help organizing the Mariachi group. Recently some moms have asked how we ended up in HMB and I started to tell them our story. With jaws dropped, they are blown away at our journey. Many of them say if I didn't tell them, they would never know what we are going through because we hold ourselves up so well. They ask about Marco and I love to talk about him; it brings a smile to my face to be able to share stories of our life together. After every story, I can't help but miss him more.

There is no getting around the missing him part, no matter what we do Marco is always in our conversations all the time. The kids and I mention him on a daily basis. We often talk about how we feel and comfort each other when each of us reach our breakdown point. I always remind myself that Marco said for us to always remember all the memories we shared and smile, don't cry. This helps me keep my head held high.

Since the day Marco was diagnosed we both made it imperative to include our kids in what was happening. Throughout the heartaches and tough times, we kept open communication with our kids. I think this helped us face our reality and our grief. Since day one until now we decided not to dwell on the sadness of our situation. Instead, we choose to encouraged each other with a positive outlook of our reality. However, we have experienced the sadness when positivity was not enough.The sadness can take you to a dark place, which does not honor Marco in anyway. It is because of this that we remember Marco everyday in only the most positive ways to honor him and keep him in our thoughts.

 Some think its taboo to talk about a passed loved one, but I say I don't believe in all that nonsense of what you should be going through when you lose a loved one.

It's been a year since Marco past away and that day came and went. Many were asking what we were thinking of doing for the year anniversary and I replied with nothing. The day Marco passed away is not a day we choose to acknowledge to honor him, but we will celebrate his birthday in July. By celebrating the day he was born, we are honoring not only his life, but his greatest accomplishments from beginning to end.