Monday, March 11, 2013

A New Kind Of fight


Since Marco passed away, as a lot of you know, a lot has changed. We moved up north closer to the beach with Surviving3under5. Makio has started a new school and joined a local mariachi group with the company of his cousins. DLP is now a college freshman at UCSC, which is great because we are close. I have to say it brings some peace and comfort being so close to the ocean. I feel close to Marco here maybe because he loved the ocean so much. I have a place to cry and yell to the top of my lungs and the crashing waves blur out all the craziness. Driving DLP to Santa Cruz also helps me relieve a lot of emotions as I drive down the coast as well.

DLP is about an hour away and doing well. Adjusting has been a little harder to deal with at school, but we are so proud of her for sticking it out (quitting was no option for her).
Makio is doing a little better in dealing with his emotions, especially in school. He holds Marco's wedding ring around his neck all the time and it helps he says. He loves his new school and is making lots of friends.

   Moving 6 months after Marco passed away was hard on all of us; it was tough leaving Salt-N-Pepper and all the family. But looking back now, it was the best thing for us all. Considering the changes in our lives, HMB proved to be the best medicine to help us cope. The kids and myself have kept ourselves busy with the Survining3under5 clan and enjoyed the change of scenery; especially since everywhere we go around here we are happily reminded of Marco.

 I have been keeping very busy with Surviving3under5. We joined the school site counsel and parent- teacher organization. We also help organizing the Mariachi group. Recently some moms have asked how we ended up in HMB and I started to tell them our story. With jaws dropped, they are blown away at our journey. Many of them say if I didn't tell them, they would never know what we are going through because we hold ourselves up so well. They ask about Marco and I love to talk about him; it brings a smile to my face to be able to share stories of our life together. After every story, I can't help but miss him more.

There is no getting around the missing him part, no matter what we do Marco is always in our conversations all the time. The kids and I mention him on a daily basis. We often talk about how we feel and comfort each other when each of us reach our breakdown point. I always remind myself that Marco said for us to always remember all the memories we shared and smile, don't cry. This helps me keep my head held high.

Since the day Marco was diagnosed we both made it imperative to include our kids in what was happening. Throughout the heartaches and tough times, we kept open communication with our kids. I think this helped us face our reality and our grief. Since day one until now we decided not to dwell on the sadness of our situation. Instead, we choose to encouraged each other with a positive outlook of our reality. However, we have experienced the sadness when positivity was not enough.The sadness can take you to a dark place, which does not honor Marco in anyway. It is because of this that we remember Marco everyday in only the most positive ways to honor him and keep him in our thoughts.

 Some think its taboo to talk about a passed loved one, but I say I don't believe in all that nonsense of what you should be going through when you lose a loved one.

It's been a year since Marco past away and that day came and went. Many were asking what we were thinking of doing for the year anniversary and I replied with nothing. The day Marco passed away is not a day we choose to acknowledge to honor him, but we will celebrate his birthday in July. By celebrating the day he was born, we are honoring not only his life, but his greatest accomplishments from beginning to end.


  1. I love how your writing has blossomed since the Fighting Sarcoma days. Thanks for sharing with us, this is great. I just saw a great Indonesian film yesterday called the Mirror Never Lies, which reminded me about this connection to the sea and Marco. The film is about a young girl who belongs to a family of sea gypsies, known as the Bajau people who live in a fishing community in Wakatobi. The girl struggles to accept that her father is gone and searches for him with mirrors. She's told by a Shaman that she will see her father in mirrors if he is alive, but she never sees him. Kids make fun of her at school for holding on to the belief that her father is "missing" not "dead" and she insists on the hope that he will return because there is no proof that he is gone. I won't giveaway the full story but eventually she resolves some of her pain and feelings of loss by looking to the sea as a giant mirror for reflection and the place where she will find answers and see her father. Of course I got all weepy, but it definitely made me think of the connection to Marco and how you describe this feeling in your post.

  2. Missing you! and Missing you! I often think that I got a double punch. I miss Marco very much. I miss all of you too, maybe as much as I miss him. I know you are ok, I know things could not be better for Makio or DLP or the wife. lots of times I cense that we are loosing touch. I miss that so much. reception problems, battery dead, nothing is on my side. I guess I miss knowing what you are up to, even if it is silly. It is hard not to think about all of you, and yet I think, if we talked on the phone more often I will feel more close to you. We ask each other if anyone had the chance to get through and most of the time is no. we all miss you. I don't want to get used to this! Love you Marco! Love you Makio, Love you DLP and I love you Wife!